Defending Your Right to Marry a Foreign Bride
“I am just taking a moment to write because I came across your site on the internet while researching the legality of mail order bride services. I am not going to tell you anything you do not already know. You must realize that the only reason males look for foreign brides from impoverished nations is because these are the only women who are desperate enough to pretend to care about you. If these mail order brides from Asia, Latin America, Eastern Europe, etc. were financially independent, or had any options in their home countries, they would not even give you the time of day. You have struck out with American women because you have nothing to I’m not speaking about monetary wealth here; I’m saying you have no good qualities at all. Surprise! Did it ever occur to you that the things you look for in a woman might be similar to the qualities that women look for in men? (That is, women who have options). Kindness, intelligence, sense of humor, morality – these are all desirable qualities, none of which have anything to do with money. You are just trying to console yourself for being undesirable by saying that American women only want ‘Mr. Big.’ The only thing you can offer is passage to America and a possible green card (things that American women do not need). So you provide these things to lure vulnerable young foreign women away from lives of poverty. Are you at all embarrassed or ashamed about that? You do realize that there is nothing about you as a person that would make anyone want to marry you, only the things that you happen to possess by virtue of being lucky enough to be born in the United States. You are trying to get something you do not deserve: love, loyalty, respect, companionship. News Flash: If you have to pay someone to be around you, then the relationship is not real. Accept the fact that you are a loser, doomed to be alone, or content yourself with finding another loser like yourself who may want to be with you. Lower your standards to what you can reasonably attain, and leave these poor, vulnerable women alone. I want to cry when I think of the horror these foreign women face when they are stuck with losers like you. Sincerely, Amy”
Amy, I am going to try to start a dialogue with you. I suspect this will be difficult given your preference for name-calling, but I will still try to show you why many of your assumptions and impressions are inaccurate. In my experience, people who attack from an emotional, indoctrinated bias are rarely inclined to learn or change, regardless of the facts. However, the points I make may help others who read this. Keep in mind that every point I make has exceptions, and that focusing on rare deviations does not diminish the overall reality or benefits experienced by the majority involved.
“You must realize that the only reason males look for foreign brides from impoverished nations is because these are the only women who are desperate enough to pretend to care about you.”
Amy, this is not true. Men select foreign brides for a variety of reasons: some for their ethnicity, some for their values, some for their charm. The list is endless. At the very bottom of the list of reasons why men select foreign brides would be desperation. Neither the men nor the foreign women are desperate. The idea that these women would leave their home, family, friends, and all the familiarities of their country for a phony marriage is a sad perspective to have of them. Believing that all inhabitants of developing countries feel impoverished and desperate is a silly notion. The majority of the women on my website are average Colombian women who lead happy, productive lives. They know only one existence; they do not step into your shoes and conclude from that that they have unfulfilled lives. The only “pretending” I see is you pretending to know me and the women you have never talked to. Unbeknownst to you, foreign women do defend their right to choose whom they marry. For example:
“I’m from Colombia, South America, and have friends who would love to find men from other countries. Not because we are so poor, as some of you seem to think, but because the men here enjoy cheating on their wives and getting drunk. But I could be wrong. It does seem you know more about my country than I do.”
You would get the same general response regardless of which foreign woman you spoke to. But be honest, Amy. You don’t have any respect for what foreign women feel or believe. My guess is that their opinions are meaningless to you because you would rationalize that, since they make choices you disagree with, they must not know what they are doing. Isn’t that right?
“If these mail order brides from Asia, Latin America, Eastern Europe, etc. were financially independent, or had any options in their home countries, they would not even give you the time of day.”
Again, you belittle foreign women. A look at the women’s profiles would show you that they come from all walks of life. Some are professionals, some are students, some work as maids, some do not work, and yes, some struggle to find work. But what makes you think they do not have options regarding the men they choose or the paths they take in life? Their economic opportunities may not be as strong as in the developed world, but that does not mean their opportunities for happiness are any less, does it? Or are you equating happiness with wealth?
“You have struck out with American women because you have nothing to offer. I’m not speaking about monetary wealth here; I’m saying you have no good qualities at all.”
Before I speak about myself personally, the men who seek foreign women do so out of choice. They are not lacking options; they simply have preferences. Are you against this choice? Do you believe American women are so high and mighty that any man who chooses not to pursue one must be inadequate? You know nothing of my history, yet you jump to that conclusion. I have always had a positive experience with American women and have been romantically successful with them throughout my life. I admire the American woman’s complexity, independence, strength, diversity, unpredictability, and companionship. I appreciate the fire and spirit that many American women have. It would never occur to me to look at an American woman married to a man from a developing country and assume she did so because she failed with American men. I would assume she fell in love and he fell in love. But you don’t seem to think in those terms. To you, one must have lacked good qualities and had no other choice. Is that not a fair interpretation? You should also know that men from all walks of life pursue foreign brides—doctors, entrepreneurs, professionals, government employees. And foreign women come from all walks of life as well. Yet you seem determined to tell these women where and how far they should walk.
But let us accept your premise for a moment. Let’s say a man did strike out with American women his entire life. Does that mean he shouldn’t look elsewhere? Does that mean he must remain alone? Is it not possible that women from different cultures might evaluate him differently—and that what you see as shortcomings, they might see as strengths? Is that possible, Amy, or should we simply prohibit his efforts to find happiness?
“Did it ever occur to you that the things you look for in a woman might be similar to the qualities that women look for in men? (That is, women who have options). Kindness, intelligence, sense of humor, morality – these are all desirable qualities, none of which have anything to do with money.”
Amy, I make no claims to the contrary. I simply reject the demeaning limitations you place on foreign women.
“You are just trying to console yourself for being undesirable by saying that American women only want ‘Mr. Big.'”
Amy, I sell matchmaking services, which means, like all businesses, I have to sell. My “Mr. Big” comment is nothing more than referring to one of the hundreds of criteria men and women use in dating. Are you telling me that some American women do not judge men by their financial stature? Is this what you are telling me, Amy, because I said nothing more than this?
“The only thing you can offer is passage to America and a possible green card (things that American women do not need).”
Boy, did my wife get a bum deal. We’re going to be living in Colombia, so she doesn’t even get that. Again, Amy, you categorize without knowing. I can only assume, from the way you like to throw accusations void of facts, that your “research” will be just as slanted. Did it ever occur to you to know what you are talking about before speaking? Let me stick your foot further into your mouth. While my situation is certainly atypical, your attack on me is personal, so I will provide my personal story. My wife comes from a well-off family. She was not a member of a Colombian marriage agency, nor did she know such things existed. She led a privileged life. She was chauffeured to the university, she traveled to Europe, she owned property, and she was pampered her whole life. Her family has greater economic wealth than I do and did not want her to marry me. I told them their daughter would not have a personal maid in the United States and that she would have to contribute to the family workload as most American women do. They told me I was crazy; she didn’t even know how to cook white rice. But even against her family’s wishes, she wanted to marry me. Her family pressured her by cutting off all her privileges, anticipating that she would buckle under. When that did not work, they threw her out of the family. Here is a girl with a very large family, where family is everything, being evicted from her comfortable home and catered life and left with nothing. She was shunned by her family for hiding her romance and wanting to marry me. Yet you blindly conclude that she does not love me and that I lured her to America because she lived an impoverished life of desperation. I’m curious, Amy: is it occurring to you that maybe you should have your facts straight before spitting venom? Because if so, then there is still some hope for you.
“So you provide these things to lure vulnerable young foreign women away from lives of poverty.”
Amy, if you were to tell these women that they lead lives of poverty, they would slap you in the face. The poverty of a woman’s pocket is meaningless to an American man. The impoverishment of a woman’s soul, heart, and values is not. Foreign women would consider you the poor person for having the latter. One of the many reasons they are drawn to American men is because we recognize that difference—just as they do.
Amy, aren’t foreign women adults who are fully capable of making responsible adult decisions? I have women on my website well into their fifties, so at what age does a foreign woman finally become qualified—by your standards—to decide for herself without you denouncing her judgment? My last engagement was with a couple both in their forties. Is she yet another “vulnerable young foreign woman,” Amy? Who exactly should decide whether these women are too young or too vulnerable to choose whom and when to marry? You? Or should we form a committee to make their personal decisions for them?
Earlier you said women look for positive qualities in a partner, yet you also insist that foreign women somehow do not value those same qualities. What makes you think these women are materialistic? Is it possible that you are the materialist, so focused on money and status that you cannot recognize that foreign women may have a very different outlook and set of priorities than yours?
“Are you at all embarrassed or ashamed about that?”
Amy, I am very proud of what I do, and even more proud of the happiness and stability it brings to the couples we help create. The only people who seem unhappy are those who, like you, try to interfere in the choices and happiness of others. As I said before, you will not speak to these women because their experiences would contradict everything you claim to believe. They choose their husbands out of genuine love, respect, and connection. You will not talk to the women who have been happily married for five years. You will not talk to the women who have been happily married for ten years. You certainly will not talk to my mother, a foreign bride who has been happily married to my father for over fifty years. She raised five children and worked for the same company for more than thirty years. Today she enjoys world travel, time with her family, and volunteer work. But you will not listen to women like her. Their real-life perspectives would clash too sharply with the false, shallow, book-learned assumptions you prefer.
“You do realize that there is nothing about you as a person that would make anyone want to marry you, only the things that you happen to possess by virtue of being lucky enough to be born in the United States.”
Amy, I am a typical American man. My possessions are ordinary, and everything I have came from hard work and persistence. No foreign woman is going to be dazzled by what I own. If anything, you are the lucky one, Amy. In very few places in the world can someone make the kind of reckless, baseless claims you make without any consequences. But in the United States you can repeat unproductive ideas and promote outdated feminist myths without ever having to answer for the damage caused by such distortions. That is quite a privilege. But here is the part you may not expect: your misguided view does not affect my sense of well-being. You are right about one thing. I am lucky. I tell my wife all the time how fortunate I am to have met her, and you know what, Amy? She tells me the same thing.
“You are trying to get something you do not deserve: love, loyalty, respect, companionship.”
Amy, everything you have said is nothing more than an emotional diatribe. You offer no substance, no evidence, and no coherent argument. All you do is call names. I can only imagine that if you had physical strength to match the hostility in your words, you would behave like a bully as well.
“News Flash: If you have to pay someone to be around you, then the relationship is not real.”
I would agree. Why do you bring this up? The men do not pay for the women and the women do not pay for the men.
“Accept the fact that you are a loser, doomed to be alone, or content yourself with finding another loser like yourself who may want to be with you. “
Amy, I am a happily married man living a full and enjoyable life. Any objective person can see that your views are clouded by hate and bigotry. You dislike the idea of American men having alternatives to American women, and you carry a superiority complex and prejudice toward foreign women. A confident woman would not feel threatened by competition, but it clearly frightens you. You hide that fear behind the claim that you are “protecting” foreign women, even as you invent beliefs and emotions for them that you have no basis to assume. If anyone should feel ashamed here, Amy, it is you.
“Lower your standards to what you can reasonably attain, and leave these poor, vulnerable women alone. I want to cry when I think of the horror these foreign women face when they are stuck with losers like you.”
I feel very sorry for you, Amy. Your self-inflicted pain comes from a vision of terror that does not exist. I hope it is not too late for you to feel better about yourself. I invite you to answer all the questions I have asked, and by that I do not mean simply respond. I mean actually answer my questions. Surprise me with an exchange free of glaring lies and insulting attacks. Can you rise to those standards? If what you believe is true, you should have no difficulty presenting a logical, factual position. Now, if you don’t mind, I have to eat dinner, burned rice.
Every criticism you see in the hate mail section of our website came during the first two years of our business. Since then, I have not been able to get a single objector to our services to agree to debate me. I suppose I understand why. They always follow the same standard theme in their attacks: foreign women are desperate; you are a loser who will exploit these women who do not love you; the government should stop you from doing this; and we have no facts to prove anything we say, but so what. Unfortunately, in our political system, facts are not necessary to pass new laws. The radical feminist advocates are doing their best to prevent American men from accessing and marrying foreign women, and our politicians, little by little, have been complying with their wishes. However, not all is lost. The same U.S. politicians are making it easier for you to marry a man. What follows are my comments in response to a blog article objecting to the “mail order bride” industry.
“While not all men who meet women through these services are necessarily abusive…”
How kind of you to clarify that not all men are abusive. I suspect some of the men, shall we say, may even be decent, good men. The liberal feminist believes that being fair means merely mentioning that not all men are abusive. If she were truly fair, she would say that the great majority of men who meet foreign women through these services are not abusive. But fair play is not their approach. According to them, if one man rapes a woman, all men share some responsibility for his crime. If one man beats his wife, all men are considered prone to do so and should be treated with suspicion and restrictions. Liberal feminists prefer to present you as a threat to foreign women.
“Since desperation is the desirable trait in your mail order bride, the more desperate the better.”
The reality is that the vast majority of foreign women who join “mail order bride” services are not desperate, and the vast majority of men who use such services do not want desperate women. Fewer economic opportunities do not mean a woman wants to go to a richer country with just anyone. Just because a woman has fewer financial resources than you does not mean she is willing to accept an unfulfilled heart. The liberal feminist assumption is that the women are desperate; therefore they cannot be of sound mind.
“American citizenship in exchange for doleful subservience.”
There is no such exchange. Isn’t it possible they both fell in love? It is ironic that the argument liberal feminists use against men who meet foreign brides through introduction services is entirely emotional, yet at the same time they cannot accept that an emotional relationship can exist between a foreign bride and an American man. The liberal feminist cannot support her feelings with logic or evidence. Instead, she relies on stereotypical assumptions that do not reflect the men or women she wants to negatively label.
“Men who use mail order bride services meet with rejection from American women.”
The majority of men who use our services do very well with American women. They are not being rejected, they are doing the rejecting. Liberal feminists want to define you as a loser simply because you make a choice they do not agree with.
“The problem must be American women and their overly high standard.”
Or it could be that these American men have standards that are simply not being met. The standard criticism from liberal feminists is that men who are open to foreign brides are not good enough for American women. If they truly believe this, why would they object to those men looking elsewhere? Yet they still object.
“Instead, he decides that he will go to a part of the world where there are not as many men to compete with.”
This statement does not reflect demographic reality. The ratio of men to women throughout the world, with only a few exceptions, is similar to that of the United States. The difference is that the American man is normally better than his foreign competition. Liberal feminists do their best not to give you any credit as an individual. In their view, not only are the foreign women desperate, but you were also the only man she had to choose from.
“Poverty has lowered women’s standards in a mate, as long as he has a job and an ability to get her a green card.”
This is a myth pushed by liberal feminists. Most foreign women would prefer to stay in their own country with the American man. They are not chasing a green card. What attracts them is not the man’s money, but his qualities, intelligence, and education, which as a byproduct allow him to earn a stable living. In the feminist narrative, foreign women from developing countries have very little redeeming value, and you do not either, since you are judged to be of a low standard simply because you make a choice they disapprove of.
“The selling point of these sites is that foreign women are better than American women.”
Many of the mail order bride sites use weak and inaccurate selling tactics. Foreign women are not better than American women. Liberal feminists point to the worst of that marketing to discredit the entire introduction industry, but the sales gimmicks have nothing to do with the actual men who use these services. They take those same exaggerated claims and twist them for their own narrative, arguing that foreign women choose American men only because “there are not as many men to compete with,” which is just as inaccurate as the marketing they criticize.
“I sincerely doubt, however, that the majority of foreign women feel much differently about things like small amounts of kindness than American women do.”
But she assumes foreign women feel differently from American women when it comes to selecting a husband. Here the liberal feminist tries to argue that Latin and American women share the same emotions and similarities, yet at the same time claims that those same women are not on the same level as American women when it comes to choosing a husband.
“There are women who meet and marry men through these services and the entire situation is one that should be troubling.”
What is troubling about adult men and women deciding for themselves how to find love and whom to marry? It is ironic that the feminist troublemaker sees nothing troubling about interfering in the personal matters of adults exercising their own freedom of choice.
“The set-up is problematic.”
What is problematic about having the freedom to choose how one finds a bride? Liberal feminists rely on vague language like “the set-up is problematic” because they cannot provide details or concrete evidence to support their premise or objection.
“A man, who likely has come to this service because he has issues with women who assert themselves…”
Here is another false claim that liberal feminists cannot support with evidence. They make a sweeping generalization that foreign women are not assertive, and because they have also fabricated supposed “issues” about you, they insist the situation will inevitably lead to problems for your foreign bride.
“There is something terribly wrong with women who assert themselves and that he deserves a woman who won’t.”
The selling points of low-quality mail order bride sites are not sufficient for judging the quality of the men and women who use such sites. The man is looking to meet a woman he is unable to meet on his own, and the foreign women have no idea what marketing methods are being used by such services. Most men who use such services don’t believe much of the hype. You can find many legitimate businesses that sell based on exaggerated advertising.
“If things sour between them, she literally has nowhere to go.”
On the contrary, she can make friends and stay in contact with her family, just as many expatriates do, and then decide if she wants to return to her home country or remain in the United States. We all know divorce is a fact of life; some marriages survive and some do not. But the liberal feminist would have us believe that foreign women cannot weigh the risks of their decisions. Oh, I forgot. The foreign women are desperate and the American men are rejects, and neither can make good decisions.
“No marriage is without conflict, but that’s a perfect situation for conflict to escalate into abuse and quickly.”
The real situation is that there is no basis for the conclusions made by liberal feminists. They cannot back up even one of their objections. They claim the men are abusive and the foreign women are desperate; that the men want desperate women and the foreign women want U.S. citizenship; that the men are rejects who cannot compete and the foreign women are helpless with low standards. Their so-called perfect explanation is not supported by facts. It is completely made up.
“It’s a good thing that the Senate is looking into this.”
Yes, it is revealing that there seems to be no end to the interference that government and its activist allies feel entitled to impose on people’s personal lives. Even though the foreign women involved are consenting adults, the liberal feminist mindset is fixed, and she will continue to interfere regardless. What would she say if the Senate proposed limiting who she is allowed to marry? It is obvious that, in her view, simply being an adult is not enough for determining how men should meet women, where they should meet, or who they should marry.
“So clearly exploitative going on right under our noses is nothing to ignore.”
The liberal feminists have shown no exploitation and provided no facts, only an unfounded bias toward foreign women and toward American men who choose to marry them. American women who marry foreign men make up roughly 40 percent of all international marriages. Does that make those foreign men desperate, and the American women who married them rejects or of lower caliber?
Jamie
Engage the Exotic
“It makes me so sad that you are selling girls and women! People are not something to sell. If you had morals and understood values you would not be involved in this. My only comfort comes from the knowledge that you will get what you deserve. I know this because if there is a God or higher power they will NOT let you get away with something as terrible as this. I hope that you rot in HELL!”
Jane, I am not selling girls. Where would you get that idea? I facilitate communication and connection between mutually consenting adults who voluntarily choose to correspond with or meet potential marriage partners. This concept is no different than any other domestic dating agency. Why would your morals and values object to people finding love? As for getting what I deserve, I am already getting the satisfaction of seeing happy couples come together from distant lands. I feel sad that you think this is so terrible.
Jamie
Engage the Exotic
“My name is Sandra, I am a disabled woman due to a car crash accident since I was a child. Checking some forums I found your posting about your site, your business seems good though I’d call it pro prostitution and well it promotes some kind of “trading women” which is not so cool or fine.
Anyway, I am interested on finding a man for making a business marriage in order to get legal citizenship into the United States due to medical issues. I offer a good payment if you help me to find a guy (older than 38 years old and single) for making this business deal, I need an answer soon, please just reply if you can help me with my request. Thanks.”
Sandra, International Introductions has no association or similarity to prostitution or the trafficking of women. How do you arrive at such an idea? We do nothing illegal or immoral, which means I will not be able to help you with your request.
Jamie
Engage the Exotic
“Hate your web site, out of place in the 21st century!”
Since you do not provide any details, I suspect you simply dislike the very concept of what this website offers. Is it because you resent the idea of people finding love across borders, or is it because you object to adults having more freedom and more options in their lives?
“I don’t object to people finding love I object to you making them pay for it and it is almost in my opinion a slave trade but anyway I am a designer not an activist.”
Why would you object to someone freely paying for a service they want and to women freely choosing whom they would like to meet or not meet? Someone has to pay for the communication platform, and the men do so willingly. By your logic, you must also object to a man paying to take you out on a date, since that would mean he is “buying” your affection. How do you equate this with slavery when it is the exact opposite? These are adults, acting independently, choosing for themselves whom they may want to marry. Your position comes across as authoritarian. It sounds far more like you resent the competition and dislike the idea of men having the freedom to choose.
“Totalitarian? Very weird interpretation, I have been accused of being a bleeding heart liberal but totalitarian that’s a first! I’m sure foreign women do it willingly to escape the poverty they are in. You are simply, in my opinion, exploiting their poverty anyway targeted at the correct market well done! ewwww it made me cringe saying all that yuk!”
Why do you project an unfounded prejudice toward impoverished women? Do you believe foreign women are unable to think for themselves? Do you really think that their family, friends, and the only life they know are meaningless to them, and that they only seek material gain? Don’t you think they have emotions and a desire to find real love, whether it is from afar or at home? Don’t you think men want the same? What about the many Latin women on my site who have a college education? Are they exploited as well? It appears that any woman who does something you disagree with is automatically labeled as being exploited. Why do you have such a low opinion of foreign women’s faculties? If an impoverished man marries an American woman, is he also being exploited, or are you sexist and believe only women can be exploited? Why did you avoid answering most of the questions I asked you? Maybe your answers would reveal an image you do not want to see. Why do you make proclamations that show a lack of knowledge, without substantiating anything you say with facts or references? Why do you allow your opinion and emotions to overrule logic, reason, and happy endings?
You don’t think it is totalitarian to use the word “hate” so freely and quickly? I recently matched a young Australian widower with a beautiful daughter to a young Colombian woman who also has a beautiful daughter. They both feel joy and fulfillment in finding each other from opposite sides of the world. I am glad I helped two good people come together. I don’t understand why you see this as vile or exploitative. Why do you focus only on the dark side of life? It seems rooted in the belief that if anything unfortunate ever happens, it justifies intervention from self-appointed gatekeepers like you who want to control and restrict others. By your logic, if a thousand couples benefit and one person is harmed, then everything should be stopped.
I defined you by your own words. Your views are not liberal. They are anti-choice, anti-freedom, and anti-women, which is totalitarian. If you took the time to think it through, you might reconsider your non–21st-century opinion and realize that both parties benefit from my services and that the only real “exploitation” comes from third parties who want to interfere and dictate what is in the best interest of fully consenting adults. Maybe you should stop following the party line and start thinking for yourself like a modern-day free thinker.
Anyway, thanks for the compliment. By “targeted market” I am sure you mean decent, good men who seek quality women who share their values, goals, and tastes in a mutually beneficial relationship filled with happiness and love. I wish the same outcome for you. It is not too late for you to open your mind and take off the totalitarian blinders you are wearing. In fact, cringing may be your first step toward recovery.
Jamie
Engage the Exotic
“I often read your website when I am in a self-hating, self-destructing mode. I often cruise through the comments section late at night and cry myself to sleep. I am a 21 year old half Japanese, half European girl who has moved to various countries throughout my childhood. However, my parents were studying in the United States at the time I was born, making me an American woman. When I read through the comments section of your website it makes me realize how useless and disgusting I am, what an utter waste of space I am… I am the product of the “exotic love affair” scenario being glorified on your website. My parents have been married for nearly thirty years now and are loving towards me and to each other… yet, I turned out to be a failure of a human being. There isn’t a second that doesn’t go by when I don’t hearken back to my father’s words about American women being “fat, ugly, materialistic, gold digging slobs.” Whenever my boyfriend calls me “beautiful” I cannot fathom how he can think so, and instead hearken back to my father’s words, and go to a very depressing and miserable place within my mind and withdraw from him (both emotionally and physically) and then I go to a website such as this one, read the comments and sit in a vat of depressing gunk until I am too tired to keep my eyes open.
I doubt that most other children who are products of the “exotic love affair” scenario will turn out to be as disgusting and ill deserving of life as I am, but it is a possibility. I think it is important to watch one’s words around children. I am 115 pounds and my waist is 52 cm (I do not think this is any great accomplishment at all, but I am stating it to show that I am within what the World Health Organization deems healthy and not overweight or obese). However, my father always went on tangents about how American women are “fat Wal-Mart pigs,” and this has made me obsessively concerned with my weight. I am very health conscious and lead an active and healthy lifestyle. I do not eat processed foods, refined sugars, or most carbohydrates. I rarely eat bread or grains, and when I do it is brown rice, amaranth, quinoa, or unsprouted whole grain bread. I cook my meals from scratch, etc., but I will admit there have been times in my life when I have suffered from eating disorders because of my father’s harsh and unkind words toward American women, something he seems to conveniently forget I am.
What is worse is that strangers often approach me telling me I am exotic, often denigrating American women in the process. When they hear my soft spoken, heavy Canadian accent as I speak they seem confused, astounded because my persona and voice do not match my appearance. I hate being called exotic. I do not understand it, and I feel miserable in the fact that my persona and my body do not match. Often people approach me calling me “senorita” yet I don’t understand a word of Spanish and these men and women seem confused when I reply in my heavy Canadian accent “no hablo español.” I suppose because I am Asian/Caucasian this makes me look mestiza, and add to that the fact I was cursed with what people call an “hourglass shape” people are constantly confusing me for something I am not and it hurts. Most of the women on your site look very sweet and girl next door… I never fully understood what the word exotic means I suppose. I always felt women with unconventional features were exotic but perhaps I am wrong. I hate the feeling of being stuck between different worlds and not belonging to any. I hate when people approach me speaking Spanish and all I can do is say “I’m sorry, you’re mistaken” in my hideous Canadian prairie “hick” drawl…. Perhaps if I had lived in larger urban centers throughout my “formative years” and didn’t listen to my father constantly put American woman down things would be different. Perhaps things will be easier for the children that come to be as a result of your services… still, I felt it was important to share my story so that people understand that these American women that are so frequently being put down could be one’s future daughters.
I have never cared for money though I am an American woman. I only shop at second hand clothing stores. I take public transportation, even though doing so has gotten me physically assaulted in the past. I have never owned a designer clothing item and have no desire to. I used to volunteer with ESL students, a few of them were Latinas. Many were very sweet girls. I remember there was one girl I tutored. She was Colombian and I liked her very much and thought she was my friend. One day she complimented me on my jacket and asked me where I got it from and I told her that I got it from a thrift store and I can still remember, her mouth twisted in horror and disgust. After that, she never really spoke to me. I felt horrible, heartbroken. Not in a sexual or lesbian sort of way, but because I felt I had lost a friend and because it harkened back to high school, being made fun of for my clothes etc. I was never really able to make friends and often people wanted to be my friend for superficial reasons and upon finding out that I didn’t engage in materialism would often “dump” me or use me for my inability to say “no” when it came to lending money or helping with homework and other such favors. Then I would find out they were making fun of and gossiping about me behind their back despite all the favors and kind things I did for them. I have been used and pushed over by people of all races, Americanized or not I do feel that American culture is very much about materialism, but that there are American people out there who are not about materialism, at all. Also, many foreign nations have less pervasive materialism than America, but some individuals from such countries are very capable of being or morphing into someone highly materialistic.
I hope that you will post my email so that commenters will call me a fat, ugly, gold digging pig and go on about how they are glad to get away from psychotic, disgusting American women such as myself. However, what they will not realize is that, when they marry their foreign bride of their dreams, they are one step closer to producing a woman like me. Confused, self-hating, lonely, (even when surrounded by great people who love and care for them), wanting desperately to be accepted…
Feel free to insult and denigrate me all you want, but please post my email in its entirety.”
My first impression was not to post your comments; I saw little informative value. It seems to me you should be communicating with your father, not me. However, putting aside your sarcastic self-loathing, my opinion, as stated on the website, is that one should not insult American women. I only have good memories of American women and feel fortunate for those who shared their time with me. The fact that some men feel like insulting American women and have preferences for other women should be of no concern to you or anyone else. It is how they feel based on their personal experiences, and whether they are right or wrong is irrelevant to how you should lead your life. They are only words. Yet, for some reason, you took the time to comment about the wrongs of generalizations and put-downs. I wonder, did you write a similar letter to the Taliban for hating Americans like you and for their brutal acts toward women? Did you send a letter to Congo for hating Americans like you and raping their women at staggering rates? Did you send a letter to Sudan for hating Americans like you and practicing female genital mutilation? I suppose not, because in your safe, comfortable home you can contemplate the “true misfortunes” of women as the words and opinions of strangers that have no real bearing on the progress and choices of any woman. Your letter was posted for one reason: to show the misguided complaints and objections some women have about controlling or eliminating the opinions and choices of others, when such words and decisions carry no personal toll on anyone. But where there are real injustices to women, you stay at home and write to me.
Jamie
Engage the Exotic
“Jamie I think you are using the word totalitarian in a wrong way. If a person hates your website it is not totalitarian, they don’t try to force you to do anything against your will, they are only giving their opinion.”
The reason she hates my website is exactly why her thinking is totalitarian. Opinions come from beliefs, and her beliefs come from an ignorant and repressive mindset. I guarantee you that if it were within her power to put a stop to this, she and others who think like her would do it without hesitation.
“Here in Sweden we have some bad examples about how foreign women have been abused in this kind of arranged marriage where the girls mostly come from Thailand and African countries. I don’t know if they are less smart than Latin women (I don’t think so).”
Our introduction service does not arrange marriages. We simply help people connect. The man and the woman decide for themselves what, if anything, will happen between them. As for abusive marriages, you can always find exceptions in any area of life, but they do not define the norm. Why do you want to judge an entire process and restrict the choices of adults based on rare exceptions?
“Because of the immigrant rules they can’t go to the polls. They have to live in Sweden for two years to stay permanently in the country. I don’t know the rules in the USA, hope they are better.”
So what is wrong with that? Most Americans do not go to the polls, so does that mean they are being exploited too? Because some immigrants do not vote, does that mean they are not protected by our laws? They are fully protected. Your point has no substance and adds nothing to the argument.
“Maybe you make some people happy and they are finding love, still you are exploiting the poor situation. And I think it puts some foreign women in a position where it is hard to get out of if they happen to get in to an abusive situation.”
I am not exploiting anyone. Why is it exploitative for two people to share a new life together that is better for both? You don’t want foreign women who live in “poor situations” to leave those situations? This idea that foreign women are being exploited has no basis in reality. Could any woman be exploited? Of course. But using rare exceptions to define everyone is dishonest. Sweden has divorces where men and women exploit or mistreat each other. Are you anti-marriage because some Swedish men beat their wives and those women are afraid to leave? If you followed your own logic, you would have to call all marriage exploitative. If it could be proven that women from underdeveloped countries were being taken advantage of more than the general population, feminists would be parading the evidence in front of politicians and demanding new laws. But the truth is that it does not happen. Foreign women are not being abused by American men. In fact, they know that the vast majority of American men make very good husbands compared to men in many other parts of the world. Latin American women like American men because the Latin women who have married them tell their family and friends exactly how well they are treated. Good news spreads. Your position is based on the myth that Latin women are helpless, fearful, passive, and willing to accept abuse. You clearly have no understanding of Latin women to make such a claim. The totalitarian didn’t answer any of my questions. Why don’t you answer them, and then we will see where this leads.
“So if a person doesn’t agree with your opinion and your business because they think that you are taking advantage of people’s bad economic situation they are automatically a totalitarian person?”
No, I would not call someone totalitarian for that alone. She said more than that. I defined her that way because she is unable to justify or be consistent with her own opinions. One of the first things she said was, “I object to you making them pay for it and it is almost in my opinion a slave trade…” How am I “making” anyone do anything? All parties involved participate voluntarily and freely. How is this a “slave trade”? In her view, personal choice becomes slavery simply because she objects to their self-determination. I clearly listed why I defined her in those terms, but you chose to ignore those points.
“What do you think you can know about the whole underlying ideological mindset about a person from a short opinion in some lines here?”
I try my best.
“How can you tell that the person wants to prevent you for what you are doing for a living if she had the power? Maybe she only wants to convince you with her opinion?”
Unlikely. Our societies would not have thousands of rules and laws on the books if such people were not prone to insisting that you abide by their way of thinking. Most people want to do more than just voice an opinion. They want others to follow it.
“To judge people to be in any aggressive form as totalitarian is not open minded.”
Who’s not being open-minded? She answered only one of my many questions, and you didn’t do much better. It appears neither of you are open-minded to the truth. You simply avoid it.
“Now you are demanding my opinion and you didn’t even read my words correctly. I said something positive also which you forgot, “Maybe you make some people happy and they are finding love.”
I did not miss those words. The positive aspect you mentioned was not relevant enough for you to conclude that the overall picture is vastly beneficial to the individuals involved. It seemed almost irrelevant to you. If anyone “forgot” what was said it was you, since you disregarded your own point, so why should I not do the same?
“You wrote, “If it could have been proven that foreign women from underdeveloped countries were taken advantage of at a higher rate than the general population, the feminist would be blasting this to our leaderless politicians to do something.” The feminists do. And you don’t even have to be a feminist to do so.”
Yes, to some degree they do, and they may not all be feminists, yet there are no facts to substantiate their position. Unfortunately, you don’t need facts or good reasons to make laws, just power. American men have been bringing foreign wives to America ever since the first ship landed on the continent, and it has never stopped. Different people from different lands who adapt to the American way help make our country great.
“I don’t think Latin women are stupid or “helpless, fearing, passive, and abused” by nature or culture. But I think some of it is a result of poverty. People who have a bad living situation often think that things can’t get any worse. They are taking the opportunity for a better life. Probably most men in the USA are good people. Some are not. That is the problem.”
So are you saying that Latin women from the middle or upper class are capable of accepting a marriage proposal from an American, but those from a lower class somehow can’t make that decision because, in your view, they can’t think properly? And you don’t want them to take an opportunity for a new life because some American men are bad. Therefore the entire process must be wrong? Please tell me you are not a professor of logic in Sweden. As I pointed out before, just because a very small minority creates a problem does not mean the large majority should be denied solutions to theirs. There are problem people and problem incidents in every aspect of life. It is up to individuals to weigh those risks and determine their own future, not for you to decide it for them.
“Still you take advantage of people’s hopes and dreams for profit. And marriage is for love “in the first place” can’t we say that?”
I do not take advantage of anyone. Can you give me even one specific example of how freely choosing adults are being taken advantage of by me? We all have hopes and dreams that do not always come true. A minor league baseball player has hopes and dreams of reaching the majors, and the team decides based on profitability. If he never makes it, are you going to claim he was exploited for having his dream broken? Or is your concern limited to the “downtrodden foreign women” who, in your view, cannot think for themselves without your guidance because they supposedly do not know what is best for them? I suppose it is better, in your opinion, that foreign women’s hopes and dreams never be pursued at all, because we cannot allow anyone’s aspirations to risk not coming true. Why don’t you just admit that what foreign women actually think is irrelevant to you, because you believe you know what is best for them and they do not?
“I think your business can do as much harm to women as it can “liberate” for some.”
Yes, because you believe that if one person is harmed, then the activity is wrong for everyone.
“For me your business is a bit dirty. If you did it for free I could understand.”
Now we are getting somewhere. This whole time you have been trying to argue that this is harmful to foreign women, even though the facts do not support that claim, and now you say that if I were not being paid for my time and services then it would suddenly be acceptable to do this so-called “dirty” business. You are clearly anti-capitalist, and at the same time you have offered a very weak argument to justify your position. In the United States, “profit” is still a positive word for most of us. I want to profit, and I want everyone else to profit and make a profit. Profit is a good word. It means I am being rewarded for services that people genuinely find helpful.
“And if you really would like to do something good for foreign women, work or give some money to helping organizations. At least you can give something back from profiting in this situation in the third world. Maybe you already do?”
What, if I am a philanthropist then I am a good person and can be forgiven for making a “dirty profit”? Listen, I do not expect to convince someone from socialist Sweden that liberty, freedom, and individual rights are more important than the state. We clearly have a different philosophy. It would have been nice for you to have represented yours using facts, but I understand that this would create an inconsistency with your beliefs. And we cannot let the realities of nature and people disturb these “I know what is best for others” thoughts you have. I have no doubt you mean well. You simply do not understand the big picture or how harmful the implementation of your views actually is to the world.
“And don’t judge my general opinion on marriage as an institution of love from my opinion about your business!”
I only compared your disapproval of foreign women you consider impoverished to abused Swedish spouses. If you want to prohibit one thing from happening — American men marrying foreign Latin women — then to be consistent you would also have to prohibit indigenous Swedes from marrying, because both marriages can descend into an abusive relationship.
“You can defend your business and I can understand that. What I can not understand is the way you try to tell me what my opinion is. I think you have a tendency to be intolerant.”
I defended an uninvited message because I do not stand by falsehoods. At the same time, I never expected to change your misguided views. As I said before, you want to believe your opinions are right, and you will not allow the light of truth to expose that your views are dark or harmful.
“Then you call my country a socialist state. It is not. It is a capitalist (free market state) as much as the USA with the difference that we rely more heavily on a system grounded than most capitalist countries.”
If Sweden is not a socialist country, then my economics degree was all for nothing. Why do you think Sweden is referred to as the “Socialist Paradise”? You have a Social Democrat Prime Minister supported by left-wing Communist and Green parties. Sweden has one of the highest tax rates and one of the largest welfare systems in the world. Yet you insist it is not a socialist country.
“If you would not do this for business (and for profit) you would probably have another aspect to the love matching. Knowing that money rules your focus is what puts the dirt in the machinery. I think love should be a commitment of feelings not a market trade.”
Good for you. Then you must be against all matchmaking and dating services. Money does not rule my focus. I focus on satisfying a female customer and a male customer. When I bring the two together in mutual satisfaction, one of my rewards is what you call “dirty” money. Commitments and feelings do not vanish because someone uses me as an intermediary for finding love.
“By the way, if you think you are going to convince anyone with your raillery, you are wrong.”
Fine. I hope I at least convinced people that you are a great debater. There is no point in continuing this discussion with more examples of your faulty reasoning since you bypass registering those points. You refused to answer my questions because you cannot provide valid answers to support your position. You are inconsistent and contradictory in your arguments. You hold emotional opinions while prohibiting facts and evidence from influencing them, and you hide behind a false good-guy shield. Let us end this by concluding that I am the ruthless and profit-seeking slave trader and you are the pious and noble defender of the disenfranchised who knows best for everyone.
Jamie
Engage the Exotic
